回顾2018

2018年是一个煎熬的一年
踏入30岁的今年
有了很多人生的第一次

在工作上第一次成就
上了电台、电视台
登上了报刊
拿了卓越服务奖
在国际心理讨论会present paper
授课

30岁也尝试了许多事物
与不同的朋友去旅行
从邦咯岛，越南，古晋，居銮，云顶到日本
第一次花了一大笔钱到新加坡上课
在特殊孩子宝贝营服侍义工
在关丹为有糖尿病儿童营担任facilitator
还有拥有了自己的屋子、汽车、笔记电脑

30岁圆了对朋友的承诺
到了日本大阪，见了Reika
还去了京都、神户、奈良
吃了人生最贵的牛肉，也是最好吃的
第一次滑雪 - 跌得乱七八糟的
在滑雪场哭了
因为当中的辛苦反映了内心的折腾
在外国穿着和服，与姐妹们度过30岁

但是今年是我人生最低潮的一年
我生命的避难所，生命的支柱
我最爱的爸爸离开了
这一整年都是灰暗的
所讲的、所想的、所留的泪都是哀伤
因为日子还需要照过
我要面对的烦事一大堆，接二连三的来
一步又一步的去面对
但是这条路是孤独的
“看开一点, move on, 做改变”
“爸爸已离开了，接受吧”
你不是我，你不知道其实我要面对的何其多
我要考量的也很多
这阶段的我，不要求人生的进步
只求不倒下、不忧郁，过一天得一天

回顾这一年，纵使我只记得难过哀伤
但是我也做了很多很多事情
在工作上，友情上，义务上
比往年还achieve了很多
参加丧礼比婚礼还多，纵使已经推了好几个
或许因为如此，我更加累
身体也因为心理因素，一直罢工
发烧、耳鸣问题、偏头痛等

我很努力继续生活，但是这一刻或许我该做的是停下
很多人说“2018年过得好快，转眼间就到2019”
对我而言，是快但也非常慢
我的时间观从爸爸倒下，就以他的离开而计算
有时候每分每秒就像是一小时般的漫长
我没有办法看到未来，或去做任何打算
我只能一步一步，过一天而已

这条路很孤单
但是感恩生命里的朋友们
他们每一个轮流的陪伴、慰问
#meliaisgrateful 记载着一些朋友的关怀
感谢上帝在每条难过的路上
祂给予的安慰与帮助，祂确实是信实的
而这时除了依靠祂，我别无选择

2019年我并不期待

内心的累、痛、难过

只求上帝一一带我走过

Tired

1 Kings 19:7
"The journey is too much for you"

Dear Abba Father,
I am too tired to trust and too tired to pray
I'm too tired to try
Said I, as my overtaxed strength gave way
The one conscious thought that my mind possessed,
Is, oh, could I just drop it all and rest.
I don't want to be the good girl, that okay girl
I don't want to care for others
I just want to cry and not be okay
I just want to run away
I just want to be depressed
Can I for once..... be selfish?

He knows you do pray. He knows you do trust.
And He knows, too, the limits of poor, weak dust.
Oh, the wonderful sympathy of Christ,
For His chosen ones in that midnight tryst.
When He told them, "Sleep and take your rest."
While on Him the guilt of the whole world pressed
You have trusted your life to Him to keep
Then don't be afraid to go right to sleep

A broken and contrite heart that You will not despise...

...

You know, it's so funny...

I had an ideal plan...

Running away, to a remote place or an isolated place

On my laptop and start writing

Write all my feelings, cry all I want

And not care of anything at all...

Then I will be okay...

Sadly.. this is the reality

Alone... with laptop on, staring on the blank note

I have nothing to write

It is so scary when your heart is empty and hollow

there is nothing at all...

Guess that is a beautiful hope 

thinking there is a way to escape

But the truth is... FACE IT, no other way to run away

Escape is easy, ending would be simple

Going through the journey is the hardest

Just when I thought I know what is grief

Life gives you a lesson

Grief goes beyond feelings... 

It is a state of searching for meaning

I'm lost, I'm empty, I'm nothing...

I feel so lonely...

Jesus,

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace

Would you come and help me?

Would you be my refuge and strength, my ever-present help?

Would you come and save me?

I know the answer is YES, but teach me how...

I don't know how to go through another day.